You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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