This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
