I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
