Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
