wakey wakey hands off snakey
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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