at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
