I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
