I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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