dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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