what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
there's paper in my vomit.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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