mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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