So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
