don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
