I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
