Only a mothe r could love this liver
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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