Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
