So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
