I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
