We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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