Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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