I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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