I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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