I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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