and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
