I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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