my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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