Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
