Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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