tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
