Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My cat gives me a boner
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
