My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize