Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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