just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
