Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
