Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
That reminds me...we need to get swords
two words...techno handjob
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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