I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You need a sexual gate keeper
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Randomize
