My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
