clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
