i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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