K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
so much tequila, so little girl.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
