It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
