I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
