dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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