she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
