Cold hands, warm shart.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
