tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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