I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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