My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
