so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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