why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Randomize
