matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
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The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
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It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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