I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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