Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
