the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
zippers are such a cool invention
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
