i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
